What do you say to someone you haven’t talked to in six years? Do you simply slide into their DMs, hoping the nonchalant nature will erase any need to address the past? Or do you plan a grand re-entrance with roses and handwritten letters? As for me and my house, I’d just say hello.
Hello. I haven’t talked to you in six years but it hardly feels like that. Don’t think I haven’t missed you, I have! I’ve opened this page a dozen times over the years but I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you. I successfully hid myself under the guise of “too busy”. You can’t think about old friends if you’re busy making new ones. But memories of you would creep back in, hitching a ride on loneliness’s back. I’m overwhelmed with everything I want to tell you, but I’ll start at my excuses.
This blog was born out of a Mormon mission, shaped by God-seeking souls. When I left it to rot, a religious part of me followed. Returning to Lady Lena meant an impossible return to Sister Helzer, or so I told myself, once again successfully avoiding you. Although I am no longer an active member of the LDS church, my experiences within it cannot be siloed, nor would I want that. I will always be that 19 year old girl ringing doorbells in Germany because her hands molded me. I have changed, but I am not a different person. I’m simply molding myself over and over again until I must abandon the masterpiece I will have become. Perhaps you preferred the younger me; I’m sure some spectators liked Michelangelo’s drafts of the David better than the final. I can’t change your preference or campaign your acceptance, but I can stop avoiding you.
I want to take you on a journey, like I did six years ago. This one won’t be experienced in weekly letters, rather sporadic posts and poems. We’ll book stays at heartbreak hotel and take trains to far off dreams. Will you join me?
Chemnitz in 2014 as a missionary and in 2018 with my trusty companion Farley.